A much needed rant.

Sometimes I wonder why some people seem to need hate to live through their life. Sometimes, I wonder how one person can hate someone down to the core without even knowing them. It's extremely saddening when one can spew so much hate towards another without thinking of the repercussions of the words they throw.

I think by now, we all figured out that the world we live in isn't large enough for us to live separately, so we need to learn how to live with one another. Why can't we try to open our minds and accept those who need acceptance? Love those who are in need of love? Or give to those who need giving? Has humanity really been poisoned to its core? Does humanity really have no hope of becoming more humane?

As much as I don't want to think about topics like this - as much as I want to think about fun things - I really can't. Everyday, I see news of how someone has been bullied to death, or reduced to a former shell of themselves; just because they are of a different race; just because they look different; just because they love someone of the same sex. Who made you judge and jury? Where was it specified that you can torture someone just because your simple-mindedness can't process things? Why do people feel the need to be all up in arms over something that do not affect them?

I try hard to look at the brighter side of life - like how someone saved someone from imminent harm, or how someone invented something that can help solve the problems of the world, or how the wind feels quite nice today - but it's getting harder to do so. It's getting really damn hard. I keep getting reminded of how the world is such a sad, sad place... and it sucks. It really sucks.

Grief.

We all cope with grief differently. Some lug the whole carcass around, huge and unpenetrated. Others poke into it bit by bit through memory, recalling, telling; others sublimate into art or another activity, or find consolation in spiritual union, believing the person's soul will to heaven, or be reincarnated; others may approach it with a sort of philosophical spin, voicing out the koan, 'Who dies?' Some of us fall deeply, madly in love with our grief. Some retreat from life. Some fill up with increased purpose and energy. We all heal differently. The crucial healing - it may never be total, it often occurs bit by bit - can happen through environment: loving, stable, soothing, robust.

After all the chaos called life...

... everything seems okay.

School years in recollection

“It’s been a long day, but the city waits.”

I hate it when the cursor keeps blinking at me. Blink. Blink. Blink. I decided to type out a recollection of the years I had in college an hour ago, but here I am, still staring at a blank entry - the cursor keeps on mocking me.

“It’ll come to you, come to you, if you don’t hesitate.”

The years I had in college has been amazing for me. It had great moments and ugly ones, but all things considered, I’m pretty happy with how the year turned out. Bad things and good things are scattered all over the year like the stars in the velvety sky… or like the books in my room.

“And in a lot of ways, I am to blame.”

I met a lot of great people. I got a few close friends. I lost some friends. I made new enemies. I had flings here and there. I found what I thought was the one then lost it soon after. I saw myself once more.

“Because I run to you, run to you all the way, and you know…”

I feel so blessed to have my best friends as my thesis mates. They have never disappointed me in anyway, and the gods may have been smiling upon us as we keep clearing hurdles and obstacles that normally spelled doom for us. I would never replace any of the ups and downs we had. As the saying goes - what doesn't kill you probably was weak anyways.

“I’m feeling tongue-tied, and I don’t know why.”

Partying and drinking are two things I love doing and those are things I also do in moderation. I am proud to say I have never been wasted in my college life. I have never vomited or passed out due to alcohol. I have met wonderful people through the parties I have gone to, and I intend to keep doing it.

“I can’t come to you, come to you this time.”

I love my family. They are always there for me, thick and thin or whatever the hell I go through. I especially love my sister. I think we have bonded so much this year, I wish our bond grows more and more through the years. I miss my oldest sister who is in UK, but I’m pretty sure she’s happy with where she is right now and she really deserves the happiness she enjoys. Mom and dad are still the same, loving parents they are. Even though they embarrass me a lot sometimes, I love them to bits.

” And what I had in mind, is something on the lines.”

My love life through out my college years is pretty life changing, to say the least. I have learned so much from the people I have dated. I’m beyond thankful for some of the people I met through dating, some of them have been the most amazing advice givers. They helped me keep my sanity on some matters and I really appreciate it.

“Running back to you, back to you in my time, and you know…”

I’m looking forward to the next chapter of my life. I’m going to continue taking care of myself, meeting new people, learning and enjoying every moment of my life and living my life for myself. This year has been a roller coaster ride. Ups and downs, hell, even loops and corkscrews, but you know what? I would definitely ride it again.

“I’m feeling so high.”

Hiatus.

I'm not going to drag this out with a lengthy, novel-like post explaining this and that.

This blog is gonna be on hiatus for a bit, or until I can sort things out.

It was around 3pm when...

... I entered the coffee shop, slightly exhausted from walking around in the scorching heat of the city. After a few seconds of enjoying the cool, air-conditioned air inside, I scanned the coffee shop to see if the person I'm meeting up was there. No signs of the person yet - wait, is that good or bad? Shoving the thoughts away, I decided to find a nice place to sit. Fortunately, the comfy looking chairs were available. I put my backpack down on the other chair and decided to order a cup of coffee.

As usual, I ordered a Colombian medium roast. The subtle nutty tones; the fragrant, enticing aroma; the faint sweetness that swirls in your mouth - I think that's why I keep getting this over and over. I paid for the coffee and waited a few seconds to receive my little "cup of heaven". As soon as I got it, I went back to the chairs, placed my cup down on the table and tried to sit comfortably.

As soon as I was going to take my first sip, he entered the coffee shop. He was wearing a plain beige shirt, a pleasant pair of jeans, his trademark pair of glasses, and a bright, bright smile. He never did change. I got up and grabbed my bag from the other chair, put it on the floor beside my seat, extended my hand out and smiled back at him. I was aiming for a handshake but he hugged me instead. I guess that works too.

I sat back down while he ordered his cup of coffee which I guess would be a Macchiato - he always loved that. I don't know why, but I was staring at him the whole time he was ordering his coffee. Maybe it's because it was a long time since we last saw each other. Maybe it's because he didn't change. Maybe it's because I didn't change. He caught me looking and beamed me an intoxicating smile. I looked away for a moment, pretending I wasn't staring at him. By this time, I knew my face was red. I easily blush. Don't ask me why, I just do. Is it a weakness? Maybe.

Sure enough, he came back holding a cup of Macchiato. Still grinning, he asked me why I was blushing. I told him it was probably the heat outside, which was half true anyway. What followed was hours of catching up, that to be honest, felt like minutes. Everything just dulled my sense of time. His eyes are still those perfect pools of blue that bores into my soul whenever I talk to him. His lips still curve into that delightfully playful smirk that never fails to make you swoon. He still has that gentle touch that gives comfort and security.

As much as I wanted the day to last forever, it was time to say our goodbyes. I started packing my stuff: a slightly read book, a notebook and a planner. He laughed at me, saying I'm still a bookworm. Again, I blushed, then laughed back at him and stuck my tongue out. Before I could put my book in the bag, he grabbed my hand and asked me if he could just ask one more thing. I nodded and waited for his question.

"Can we try this again?"

This is why I hate talking with exes.

Melancholic.

That's one word to describe this song I'm currently in love with. It's hauntingly melancholic. The intimate, lush and feathery vocals; the 4 chord piano/harpsichord loop; the minimalist attack of the drums and bass - all of these combine into one amazingly beautiful track that I will never get tired of listening to. Anyway, here it is and its lyrics if ever you want to sing along.

Massive Attack - Paradise Circus

It's unfortunate that when we feel a storm
we can roll ourselves over 'cause we're uncomfortable
oh where the devil makes us sin
but we like it when we're spinning in his grip.

Love is like a sin my love

For the one that feels it the most
Look at her with her eyes like a flame
She will love you like a fly will never love you, again

It's unfortunate that when we feel a storm
we can roll ourselves over when we're uncomfortable
oh well the devil makes us sin
but we like it when we're spinning in his grip.

Love is like a sin my love

For the one that feels it the most
Look at her with a smile like a flame
She will love you like a fly will never love you, again